Thursday, April 4, 2013

Have a "Happy" Pregnancy

I have been thinking about my future and my past and reflecting on things that have happened in my life a lot lately. One thing I keep going back to is my "unhappy" pregnancies, this hiding, the secrecy and the judgement surrounding them. While I was living on my own, with a decent income, my own car, and a stable job when I got pregnant with Kalli, I still felt like it needed to be hidden away because I was young, and I hadn't gone to college yet. I told my mom after a few days, but it was more Jordan's family that I didn't want to tell. When he finally went and told his mom, her reaction was " I don't want anything to do with it!" This was so hurtful, and because of that I kept it a secret longer and longer, I didn't tell my boss until I was 17 weeks along, and this was only a few weeks before I got put off work due to extreme sciatica, I only told one person whom I worked with because I knew I shouldn't lift heavy things and I would need some help with that. Eventually things got easier but once she was born early, and was in the hospital I didnt get the out pouring of friends and family coming to visit us in the hospital bringing balloons and cards for us. Nope, I was all alone in there. Jordan wasn't able to spend the night because of hospital regulations, so it was just me alone. When we found out about the twins I told my mom fairly soon after but other than that it was kept a secret for months, until people started finding out. Jordan and his mom didn't speak for months. Again the same thing happened with the early birth, no visitors.

Why is it that I didnt get to have a happy pregnancy announcement? It was more of a shameful experience for me. Even though I dont want to have anymore kids If i were to get knocked up again it again wouldnt be a good experience because it would be baby #4... and again shame and pity.

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